Step 2 of the Toxic to Happy Journey

Everyone Has an Attachment Style.

Hi everyone! Welcome back to Step 2 of the Easy Journey from Toxic to Happy.

Remember: this journey is not linear. Healing takes as long as you need it to. I may be posting these steps back-to-back, but in reality, it took me three days to finish A Hue of Blu and a full week before I even started Step 2. So go at your own pace. This is your process.

Let’s dive in.

Step 3: Attachment Theory and Understanding Your “Why”

This is the step where psychology really kicks in. While I was trying to better understand my behavior in relationships, I came across a book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller (linked on the Great Finds page and at the bottom of this post). It is essential for the Toxic to Happy Journey.

The book breaks down the three (technically four) core attachment styles that people tend to develop and have, and it is usually based on their childhood experiences and early relationships.

The Attachment Styles:

• Secure: You’re comfortable with closeness and intimacy. You give your trust and love without fear.

• Anxious: You crave closeness but constantly fear abandonment. You may feel “clingy” or overly dependent.
  
• Avoidant: You pull away from intimacy. Trusting others feels unsafe, so you create emotional distance and barriers.
  
• Anxious-Avoidant: You’re stuck in a push-pull. You want love and connection, but the moment it feels real, you panic and withdraw. This is what I was for reference.
  

The book explains these types way better than I ever could with stories, images, and short quizzes. But most importantly, it helps you see yourself. It helped me understand my own behaviors and emotional triggers, especially how childhood shaped the way I handle relationships now.

Why This Matters

To stop falling back into toxic cycles, you need to understand your why.

• Why do you sabotage something good?
  
• Why do you cling when someone pulls away?
  
• Why does love feel unsafe when it’s supposed to feel secure?

By knowing your attachment style, you will be able to prevent yourself from hurting yourself, your partner, and your relationship. You will be able to respond coherently. You will be able to enjoy love. You will allow yourself to enjoy love.

How to Read the Book

This is what I did and recommend:

1. Write down or make a mental note when something feels familiar. If a chapter describes a behavior you tend to do, tell yourself, “I do this” so you can reflect on it later and keep it in mind while reading.
   
2. Take note of what you don’t relate to in the Secure Attachment section. These are the traits you might want to grow toward.
   
3. Reflect while reading. When I was going through a fight with my best friend (we’re both anxious-avoidant), this book helped us realize we were pushing each other away out of fear, not because we didn’t care.

Applying It to Your Life

Healing doesn’t come from just reading. It comes from awareness and action. As you go through the book, start noticing how you show up in friendships, romantic relationships, and even with family. Are you pulling away? Getting overly attached? Avoiding hard conversations?

If you are, pinpoint why through the actions you discovered through the book. For example, I am upset my friend is getting closer with our other friend because…

Identify it. Don’t just leave those actions hanging. You need to uncover to discover, and the book Attached gives you the foundation to recognize and understand those patterns.

Reminders

• You don’t have to read the book quickly. Go at your own pace. You will not get what you want out of this if you rush it.
  
• You don’t need to become fully secure to have a healthy relationship. You just need to understand yourself so you can grow and show up better, especially in arguments or happy moments.
  

If you decide to read Attached, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment or DM me. I’ll see you all tomorrow for Step 3!

With love,

The Secret College Girl

Disclosure: This post contains an affiliate link. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. This comes at no extra cost to you and helps support my blog so I can continue sharing real, honest content.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.